november first twenty twenty four

this one is kinda long, spans the entire month. been struggling to keep up with writing lately, it is hard for me to describe things right now. i am committed to doing the best i can, though, and i am already glad that i kept up with this! no jays picks this month out of solidarity w internet archive. i am truly lost without you, archive.org, im so sorry that this happened to you. thanks for reading :)

10.31.24

It is hot today. Weirdly, unseasonably hot. So I open the windows. And I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. My room is full of cobwebs. The ceilings are so high that I don't think it is worth cleaning it. Part of me doesn't want to. I think of the empires of spiders that watched me grow up, as I watch the ruins of their society sway in the late October wind.

It is Halloween today. I have learned not to care for this holiday much. But I do recognize the thin veil during this time of year. I have left out offerings for our ancestors, and the spirits that guide me through these times, namely St Jude, Venus, and now Vulcan.

10.29.24

I brought to my parents house, the furniture my Uncle gave us. Based on the feng shui of both houses, my seat on the couch still faces east, just like at home. Their dog, Midnight, sits on the other side of the couch. At first it made me sad. Now, I like it. This couch is too big for me alone.

10.28.24

Today is The Feast of St Jude.
10.27.24
I see 5 great blue herons fly above head at 5:55 pm at the gate of the timber point trail. I miss it here so bad. I also have never seen herons fly in a group. They were squawking. It sounded like geese.

My brothers girlfriend asked me a few days ago if I wanted a snack from the store and I said yes, hot fries. Like always, the hot fries are sold out so she asks me if I want cheddar fries. I say yes. I like cheddar fries. Now, im eating the cheddar fries. And although cheddar fries are good, and I like them, I do not want them right now and wish they were hot fries. They taste kinda weird to me because they aren't hot fries. I don't eat too many and put them away.


10.26.25

Today my family goes down and picks up the rest of my stuff from Biddeford. I stay home and make breakfast and lunch and roll joints for everyone.

10.23.25

12:47 am I hear a flock of geese fly by.

It is hot out today. Writing this at golden hour at the dollar general.
10.22.24
Tonight around 10:40 shady was on high alert at my bedroom window. Then he slinks off, like he is looking for a better vantage point. There is none. He returns to my bedroom window and is back on his sentry duties. I wonder what he sees out there.

10.21.24

Today, a picture that I had hanging on the wall of my bedroom from when I was like 14 fell off the wall. It was held with command strips. I remember, when I came back here, that I was surprised it was still on the wall. It's a grainy picture of Adrian Brody kissing a chihuahua. This one.


I noticed that my dad sings a little song when he's looking for parking in a parking lot. I do this too. Same song.

10.18.24

I can't see the moon tonight. Weird. I remember hearing my dad say that it was really bright outside. When i go downstairs a few hours later, it is not. Doesn't seem like it should be cloudy either.
My parents have started calling Shady "Shady McShady". Me and Neale would call him "O'Seadeighead". I like that we have all decided he is of the British Isles. a spirit so old that transcends borders. I brought back a blanket that was well used at home. He spends most of his free time sleeping on top of it, his nose buried in the fur. I get it. I wonder how he has been feeling.

I am sitting on the couch watching a movie (blended. An Adam Sandler movie I'd never seen about two divorced parents.) shady comes down to see me. Every day, shady reminds me what love looks like. It is fighting off the wild barking animals to be with someone you love. It is fighting off the wild barking animals to protect the ones you love, and allow them peace.

Shady willingly puts himself in this situation to be with me, even when I consider his discomfort and make sure I share my time with him behind the dog gate. He still wants more of me and tolerates what I imagine must be a miserable experience for a cat.

I see him stand between me, his son Jethro, and the dog. He puffs up and hisses and growls, striking only when the dog tries to push past. He never backs down, doesn't strike first or run. When he is upstairs, he often stands guard at the gate, in case the dog gets too close, because his wife is back here and she cant protect herself anymore.
This is love. I often find myself saying that the world would be a better place if everyone was a little more like Shady.
10.17.24
Full moon today. I am doing an offering to Venus, as thanks and appreciation for the work she is doing on my petition made earlier this month. I am painting the effigy I made, as her planet fades into view.

I offer her a golden (yellow) apple, 13 roasted pumpkin seeds (see my entry about 13 apple seeds) a beverage of gin, coke, and a rosemary sprig, a chocolate chip cookie, some sea glass, the last of my sea rose incense, a decorated candle, and some pages from my notebook the last couple months.

As Venus slips below the horizon, the moon, bright white, blue hued, like an LED bulb, rises on the opposite front.
I am reminded of the Wiccan "Charge of the Goddess".
I am reminded that at the end of the world, i am a Magician, a poet, an artist, a craftsman, a storyteller, and a member of the family.

10.16.24

Went to see the comet today, down the road in the big field. I watch Venus slowly descend below the horizon. When she is almost gone, the comet appears. It is hardly visible with the naked eye, and I am finding myself grateful for the advent of modern technology. Like the auroras, my phone is able to capture it with long exposure. Once I can see it on my phone, I can see it in real life. So can my stargazing companion for the evening. I am freakishly aware of how, when you know what to look for, and where to look for it, you can see it with ease.

10.15.24

I am sitting in the living room at 1:44 AM. I notice the moon peeking through the window. It is shrouded in clouds. They race by, like smoke, on the breath of the heavy winds. The moonlight reflects through the veil, behind the shadows of the now barren trees. It's beautiful, I can't take my eyes off it.

10.13.24

Today I notice the leaves on the trees. It is my favorite degree of foliage. Some have fallen clean, the maples are bright red, the some of the oaks are about yellow, and the beech are just barely starting to turn brown. There is a loon on Lake Auburn still.

My mom has stopped being just a gentle listener and has started giving me advice. There is a lovely old piece of verbiage that comes from her dad, my Papa. I hear it quite often.

He will come and put a firm hand on your shoulder and say,
"Daughter (to my mom, grandson to me), you can't fix crazy."


Sometimes it would vary by, or with the addition of.

"You can't cure stupid."

"And if they're crazy and stupid, you don't stand a fucking chance."

Well, looks as if the odds are not in my favor.

10.12.24

I notice Venus on the lowest western horizon today, right at the end of sunset.

10.11.24

Two toothbrushes and two tubes of toothpaste.

I got the high score in craps at up and up :)

10.10.24

Northern lights tonight! Went down to the field at the end of the road w my mom and Jake and Erica. It was cool :) you could see the lights and pillars with the naked eye. I was very surprised by the amount of people that drove by.

10.9.24

Had an apple w 13 seeds in it today.

My mom found a random old build a bear and asked me if it was mine. I said no. She said she doesn't really know where it came from and asked me if I wanted it. I said yes. I give him a bath using shampoo and a wash rag, then sit him to blow dry with a fan. Hes a build a bear that says I love you when you squeeze the hand. He found me right when I needed him. I wonder what the person who made him is like, who he once slept beneath. I wonder if they ever miss him. I think of my own build a bear, princess cheetah, who sits well dressed in my closet with some other wild cat stuffies. She roars. My brother had a turtle with a removable shell that laughed. I also had a white cat named Kitty who wore a pink velour tracksuit. She used to be so soft but got washed once and got all weird and matted. I think she said I love you, too. I think of Walter and Saoirse, who were not build a bears, but were sweet friends of mine who wore cute little sweaters.

As I'm writing this, Shady starts having a night mare? He had been sleeping very restlessly all night. I would pet him when he started twitching but he was very deep asleep and didn't seem like he needed to be woken until this last time. He was really freakin for a prolonged period of time. It takes me a surprising amount of shakes, me gently calling his name, saying "shady wake up" to rouse him. I am actually a little worried for a second. When he wakes up he looks scared and confused until he sees me. I pet him and he kneads the bed, purring very loudly, then cuddles up to me for a couple minutes, until it's time for him to lay back down to sleep again.

I wonder what he dreamt of.

10.8.24

Today I notice a tree outside the dining room window that has lost all of its leaves. I didn't notice they were beginning to fall, really.

There is a historic hurricane moving towards Florida right now. I don't think I can remember seeing a pink storm on the radar before. Me and mom watched the weather channel and apparently there are 10-15 ft swells predicted for the Tampa Bay Area. I remember the devastation on the coast of Maine with 1-3 ft swells. The newscaster calls this "unsurvivable". Their attitude reminds me of how people would talk about Covid on the early days; unnaturally composed.

I am feeling called to be involved with this but I don't really know how. Well. I do know how. I would love to pick up refuse and put it on a tarp, then drag it to a big pile or put it in the back of a truck.

10.7.24
Cold and rainy today. The worlds biggest blue jay eats at my dad's feeder. He is so blue, too. I haven't seen blue jays in quite some time.

10.6.24

Ritual market today. Freezing. Slow. I don't make any money. Idfk what I'm going to do. So I go home and just go right to sleep.

Shady has been doing this cute new thing where when I am laying in bed he will lay on the other side of the pillow, and lay up against my arm, put his paw on top of my hand, and rest his head on my pillow across from me. I love him.


10.5.24

Raining today. Pouring, even. It feels long overdue.

I go to the nearest farm stand to get apples. Venus is upset with me for only having plums and not apples. So I got some. Gold. As I am driving home, the first turn I take, I hear the bag fall over and apples roll around all over the back seat of the car. Every time I turn, I hear more apples join them and roll around all over the floor. I consider pulling over to fix the apples. I decide against it.

10.4.24

Today I am called to make an effigy of Venus. I fill her with magnolia petals, a sea rose incense, and her spine is made of a stalk of lavender and tulsi. She is satisfied with it. I share a drink with her, a plum, and a chocolate. My mom interrupts me to ask me if I want to smoke a Joint. I ask Venus if it is ok. She says yeah she wants to smoke a joint too. I notice while I'm smoking with my mom, a natural lull between our passes, where our outstretched hand isn't received for a few seconds. Just enough time for someone else to take a quick hit.

I go back to Venus. I finish her image. It was very easy to summon an image of the most beautiful body I can imagine, I am lucky to know how it feels under my fingers. I honor this and enjoy the feeling for one last time. When I'm done, I get an insane headache right in the center of my forehead. I also get super fucking nauseous. As soon as I step out of my workshop, it passes. When I reenter, it comes back. I go lay down and go to bed.

Later, I ask her for a message for me. She gives me the Hierophant, the Lovers, and the World.